This post begins the same way that a lot of my posts do…..I was out with my girlfriends one night and we started talking about men (a popular topic). Let me pause for a second to clarify that my girls and I talk about everything from politics, to religion, to the politics of religion, to current events to unemployment to traveling (by the way, I want to go back to Indonesia). But when you put three single women together with varying dating experiences, the topic of men invariably surfaces…I’ll continue on now. My girlfriends started complaining that there weren’t any viable prospects in our city and that single women either needed to resolve that they were ok with being single or get the heck out of dodge.I didn’t buy into their arguments, and I tried to insert my two cents about having hope and being patient, but they weren’t hearing it. One of my older guy friends (married with four kids) was also at the event we attended. Just as he walked over to greet us, our debate heated up. As he listened in and digested pieces of our positions, he rather quickly decided that our city couldn’t be void of good men prepared for relationships. As you can imagine, his comments set my girls off a little bit more.
I think he had gotten an earful, so he decided to leave us and continue networking. Unbeknownst to me and my friends, he also conducted somewhat of an experiment as he worked the room. Several minutes passed before my guy friend returned to our table to introduce a guy he had met. We’ll call him 3B (you’ll find out why in a second). We all had nothing but positive impressions of 3B’s appearance. He was tall and of medium-build, well-groomed and had a nice smile. It got better when he opened his mouth. He was polite, had a great sense of humor and was about his business. In fact, 3B owned three successful businesses, hence the nickname 3B.
He made an immediate connection with one of my girls, so my other friends and I fell back and observed. 3B was 39 with no kids and found himself in a good place with his career. It was pretty obvious that 3B was done playing the games that occupy most men in their 20s and was looking for something stable. The conversation ended with my friend and 3B exchanging numbers.
Once he left, we resumed our debate (which wasn’t really a debate any more). My male friend made his point. He presented evidence to my girls to dispel their myth about the lack of good and ready men in the city.
My girls and I laughed about our interaction with 3B for the rest of the night. We were quite amused by the whole thing. But here’s what we learned:
Ready. The first step in cultivating a stable relationship is deciding that you’re ready for one. This relates to both men and women and involves recognizing yourself as a whole person. It also implies that that you’re finished with the irresponsible and careless ways of your younger years.
Set. Getting set is the second part of being ready. It means that you have spent time discovering your passions, gaining (financial) independence, building self-assurance and accepting yourself. It also means that you’ve unpacked the baggage and put it away. No baby mama or daddy drama. No open wounds. No emotion attachments. You’ve basically cleared the way for opportunity.
Go. This is the easiest stage and simply involves allowing yourself to pursue and be pursued.
Maybe women, my friends and me included, get caught up in dealing with men who are prematurely in the go stage. We find ourselves anxious to go with them, but we later find out that these very men weren’t ready or set. When this happens, the relationship often ends badly. This could be a prime reason why my girls don’t think there are viable options in the city. They’ve potentially been messing with dudes who are “going” without getting ready or set, and they may be relating their bad experiences to all men.
So ladies, here’s what we should be concerned with when dating—figuring out if the men we deal with are ready and set. This means we need to spend a little time getting to know them and seeing where they are before trying to make them into our husbands. Their words may classify them in the go stage but their actions may reveal that they are not really ready.
Also, there’s no value in worrying about when am I going to meet my man? Why don’t any good men live here? Am I going to get married? The best thing we can do is ready ourselves for the opportunity. We can discover ourselves, become more self-aware and explore our talents and interests. Doing these things will undoubtedly put us on the paths that God intends for us follow. Marriage may be on that path and it may not. And since we won’t know until we get there, we have to stop complaining. Stop worrying. Stop looking. And just get ready, set, and go!
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