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Tuesday, June 9

Interracial Dating: A Hot Button For Black Women


You and your single girlfriends have all gathered at your house to do a little bit of girl talk and share a few drinks before heading out to a lounge.

You look around your living room and notice that everyone is looking pretty fly. Gym workouts were paying off. Outfits were tight. Hair was flowing and fixed just right. And makeup was near perfect.

You finally make you way to the lounge to enjoy live music and the company of good-looking Black men.

Everything started out exactly as planned. You were greeted at the door by security who commented on how wonderful you looked, and as soon as you walk in, heads turn in your direction. You see men commenting to each other, and you know they’re talking about you and your girls. So, within five minutes, you guys are convinced that it’s going to be a good night.

You find a booth to settle down in, and it positions you nicely to see all the fine men and the band. After conversation among yourselves, you and your girls direct your attention towards the stage. As you do, you notice a fine, bald black man sitting at another table. He looks to be about 6’0” with an athletic build and gorgeous smile. His confident energy exudes as he grooves to the sounds of the band. That's him, you think. That’s the guy you decided you have to meet before the end of the night. You spend about five minutes thinking about how you’re going to introduce yourself, and just when you think you’ve got it figured out, a woman comes out of the bathroom, walks halfway across the room, and stops at his table to sit down.

You immediately get ticked off because you realize that your future beau is taken, but your emotions quickly turn into anger when you notice she is white.

Ok. Freeze.

The first question is, why are you mad? Is it because you’re assuming the black man sitting next to the white woman has disregarded all black women and only deems himself good enough for women of other ethnicities?

Are you getting upset because you don’t feel like there are many good brothas left? That they’ve all been taken by white women?

Or is your anger self-directed because of your inability or unwillingness to broaden your perspective when others seem to do it so easily?

According to 2006 census data, black women and Asian men are the least likely groups to date outside their race. Most black women claim it is because of the history of racism and loyalty to their culture that prohibits them from entering into relationships with a non-black men.

I respect that perspective but wonder if it should be altered based upon the reality that black men don’t necessarily see it the same way. Are Black women doing a disservice to themselves by limiting their consideration set to include black men only? I don’t know the answer.

Here's another question. Why do you think he would be your man if he wasn’t with her? I think we are often too quick to anger because we tell ourselves "he could be my man." The reality, however, is he may still not be your man if he was single. He may not meet your standards, have similar values, or carry similar interests. He may have outrageous halitosis or always speak in the vernacular. Both very uncool. All you know when you see him is that he’s fine. That’s it. I’ve met plenty of fine, single Black men, and it didn’t work out with any of them.

Interracial dating is still a very hot button for black women, and we don’t seem to let go of some of the tension until interracial dating hits close to home. If we have a sibling or family member that dates outside of his race, then many times the interracial relationship grows on us. Or if we have a really cool white girlfriend that dates black men, that seems to also be ok.

I can’t say that I’m completely unfazed each time I see a black man with a white woman, but I can say that I’ve come a long way. As goddesses, the next time we find ourselves upset over seeing an interracial couple, we must recognize and identify the source of the anger. We must ask ourselves, “Why am I getting mad?”

Unfreeze.

You take your focus off the bald black man and shift it to a table to the left and another one to the right. You notice two full tables of other men who seem to simply be out for a good time like you and your girls. The anger fades, your smile returns, and your goddess just got a little bit freer.



4 comments:

Nicole said...

My friend, who is white did a post about this very topic from the other perspective and (among other things) this is what I told her:

I love/enjoy interracial dating for a number of reasons, but when I go out & there's a FlavorFlav all in my face or obnoxiously hollering from their vehicle, I'm wondering where "Denzel" is and why he's not talking to me.

I think some of us are programmed from a lot of different angles, it's us, it's others, society. I also think it may have to do with the way we are (or the way we think we are) perceived by men of other races as well. Another issue is that it's not discussed at all. Except on Tyra, and honestly, that doesn't do much for anyone except Tyra.

Candace Avont said...

thanks so much for your comment Nicole!

Anonymous said...

Dear Daughters of Africa,

No slight to the Great Men of Africa, but, though I am melanin deficient and my most recent ancestors (for all peoples descend from the One original race-Adam/Eve) are from the Eurasia, I find the Daughters of Africa most beautiful and intriguing of all the Women on Earth.

For the sake of others like me, don't rule us out. If you find White at all appealing, then look among us too for one compatible, capable of being your Soulmate. In America, it will be different than same race intermarriage, but with GOD's help it will be far better than worse. After all, if different notes were never played together, there would be no harmony, the sound of harmony would be unknown.

If you do find your Soulmate in "crossover", rest assured - if you maintain the mutual respect and love, something very deep inside will know satisfaction like none other -- a rejoining of long-lost friends/lovers, rejoicing deep inside the rejoining of the One original race.

Too all my African Sisters, With Much "One Love" and Peace in Jesus Christ,

-J

Anonymous said...

Dear Daughters of Africa,

No slight to the Great Men of Africa, but, though I am melanin deficient and my most recent ancestors (for all peoples descend from the One original race-Adam/Eve) are from the Eurasia, I find the Daughters of Africa most beautiful and intriguing of all the Women on Earth.

For the sake of others like me, don't rule us out. If you find White at all appealing, then look among us too for one compatible, capable of being your Soulmate. In America, it will be different than same race intermarriage, but with GOD's help it will be far better than worse. After all, if different notes were never played together, there would be no harmony, the sound of harmony would be unknown.

If you do find your Soulmate in "crossover", rest assured - if you maintain the mutual respect and love, something very deep inside will know satisfaction like none other -- a rejoining of long-lost friends/lovers, rejoicing deep inside the rejoining of the One original race.

Too all my African Sisters, With Much "One Love" and Peace in Jesus Christ,

-J