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Tuesday, March 30

To Get Something You Never Had, You Have To Do Something You Never Did

My mom and dad are notorious for sending forwards; I delete pretty much all of them upon receipt, but my mom sent me one the other day with the subject: Concentrate On This Sentence.

“Pretty compelling subject,” I thought, so I opened it.

The sentence I was being asked to focus on was, “To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.” Hmmm. I read the sentence again, slouched down in my couch and let my mind wander.

For love--open your heart, give love, believe in love
For peace--strengthen your relationship with God, pray, accept what is
For happiness--stop comparing yourself to others, enjoy life’s simple pleasures and focus on making yourself a better person.
For money--remove your focus on it, give freely, work in a field you honestly enjoy.


As I looked over my own life, however, things got a little more complicated. I asked myself, “What has been evading me?” And without much hesitation, I quietly answered, “intimacy.” I’ve long been a fan of intimacy but haven’t experienced it outside of my immediate family and very close girlfriends. So, I guess I’m talking about intimacy with a male companion (that sounds so old school…but you know where I’m coming from). When I asked myself, “Candace, have you ever loved another person?” The answer was undoubtedly “yes!” Love simply happens. But when I asked myself a follow up question, “Candace, have you ever been in an intimate relationship?” the answer was no.

Then I asked myself, “Is being in an intimate relationship the same thing as being in love?” Thought about it for a few minutes and then answered no. I rationed that one person can be in love with another person, but intimacy can only happen when reciprocity exists. It requires involvement from both people. So then I asked myself if I’ve allowed myself to form a free-flowing (judgment-free), deep and honest connection with another person, a male companion :-)? And as much as I wanted to say yes…the answer was no. Ding ding ding!!!! That’s the part that I’ve never done. (But I must pause here to say that I’ve wanted to with one person in particular). So, I asked myself why I had never opened myself completely up? I’m still working on the whole answer, but a part of it deals with trust.

I will say, though, that intimacy is all encompassing, and love is only one part of intimacy. So, you can love someone and not share intimacy with him. But it’s nearly impossible to be intimate with someone and not love him.

I thought about the whole intimacy vs. love thing a little while longer, then simply resolved that I’ve got some more work to do to set my goddess free. I thanked my mom for sending me an email to get me thinking (but I'm still not a fan of forwards!)

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